The fear of Them thinking I don't Get It
I always Get It, some might say to a pathological degree :)
When I was around eleven or twelve I had these gray and purple Skechers that looked like the type of dad Reeboks that are legitimately in style now. On me, they looked like clown shoes. My feet were disproportionately large for my preteen body, so most shoes looked a certain degree of silly. But those chunky, funky sneaks really drew attention to the ol’ flippers.
The Skechers were comfortable, they were what I wanted to wear, but I had a fear. Not a fear of being bullied or made fun of to my face. Not even a fear of people making fun of me behind my back. I had a fear of people thinking that I didn’t know. That there I was, giant floppy stompers in loud clown sneakers, not even self aware enough to realize it was a little ridiculous.
I wasn’t embarrassed by how it looked, I was scared of the potential that They would think I didn’t already know it myself. If I somehow had some psychic confirmation that they knew I knew, and they were still judging me for looking silly, I wouldn’t even care and I would wear the shoes anyway.
It was never about being judged for my fashion sense. It was about being judged for Not Having a Clue (1985, starring Tim Curry). Up until literally a couple years ago, I didn’t wear athletic sneakers (is that the term?) for a decade and a half unless I was actually doing athletic things. Now I do almost always, because quite frankly I think I have arthritis in my long bony toes <3
This type of fear has, in various ways, permeated my entire life. I was and still am frustrated by trends, social codes, and other social signals that I couldn’t and sometimes still can’t figure out or I have figured out but am intentionally choosing not to follow. Now before you say anything, I know (haha) that there are layers to this, and it’s part of many things I’m working on with my therapist, in terms of how ASD manifests overall throughout childhood and adolescence and adulthood. We’ll get there.
But I do think this is a concept that applies to all of us being Influenced overall. By people you know and don’t know on the Internet, people you know and don’t know in real life. Since my first post I’ve been asking myself:
What have I become interested in, bought, tried, watched, listened to, attended, specifically due to my fear of Them thinking I don’t Get It? And, what have I avoided that I would have loved, for the same reasons?
My choices tend to be 1) I do the on trend thing or socially encouraged thing that I don’t actually want to do, and suffer the consequences of being internally uncomfortable at best or dangerously overwhelmed at worst, or 2) I don’t do that thing and live with the awful uncertainty that They think I Don’t Know. Turns out that for most of my life I did mostly the first. And now being off social media and in therapy I’m learning how to do more of the second, and make it my default.
But it’s hard! I still have no idea who They are. I think They are in all of our stories… this invisible panel of judges, judging us in ways that are unique to our insecurities. Modern social dynamics and Internet culture has attempted (and succeeded) to mold us all into having the same interests, buying the same things, listening to the same artists and/or being ashamed if our Spotify playlists aren’t eclectic or underground enough, dating according to the same rules, organizing our refrigerators the same way, having the same bodies, hating the same stuff. All these trends turn into expectations whether externally or internally, and our Them panel of judges have a lot more content to judge us on now.
There’s just so much to keep up with whether you want to or not. Choosing to not is not easy for a lot of us. However, I think I’m close to approaching the solution, for me personally, at least:
I’ve done a whole lot of internalizing of that age old advice of not to worry what people think about you (negative), but not enough internalizing of not to worry what people think about you (positive).
It’s like a final hurdle, of sorts. Well, probably not final because life just continues to throw you curveballs, eh boys? But for real, I was almost born with the ability to not care if someone is judging me negatively for what I’m wearing or interested in or whatever (again, separate from them thinking I don’t know I’m not “on-trend”). But I still place a lot of weight on people liking what I’ve chosen to do, wear, watch, see, think, display, create, listen to, believe. It’s like this:
You don’t like it? Whatever.
You do like it???? Thank you so much this must mean I’ve done something right and good and I Get It and you see that I Get It and you liking it is THE JACKPOT of social currency for me I am blessed I am healthy I am wealthy I am etc etc
I think I could stand to care a little less, people-please a little less, while still remaining grateful for moments of validation or compliments. I would like to do what I actually want, more often. I would like my life to feel less like waiting for applause when what I actually want aligns with what They want me to want.
An invisible panel of judges giving you 10s across the board is still an invisible panel of judges.
Anyway, off to Skechers dot com.